10 Phrases to Keep to YOURSELF
It’s an impossible situation: A mother has lost her child, now she’s confiding in YOU. This is your moment to be there for someone, to comfort her, to be the peace in her storm. Let’s try not to hurt her more, shall we?
Here are the top ten things that people have said to me with a brief description of why it made my blood boil.
10. “ At least you know you can get pregnant.”
Several people thought this comment would comfort me. It didn’t. I know that I can get pregnant. I’ve known that since I was 14 years old. The fact that I was able to get pregnant does not make the pain of losing that child go away. In fact, it induces fear. Knowing that I can conceive but could not carry to term is sometimes scarier because it feels selfish, psychologically. How many children will die in this process? How many will I kill? This comment helps no one. Instead try “I’m sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do?”
9. “It’s a good thing you didn’t have time to get attached.”
First of all, how exactly do you know how attached I was to this pregnancy? There were several people who said this to me at a time when I wasn’t very vocal about how I was feeling. I wish I could go back and tell them exactly where they could shove their stupid comment. From the moment you feel the first symptom of pregnancy, for any mother who is trying to convenience… you are attached, whether you like it or not. Sometimes you get attached to the idea of pregnancy and then you test and you aren’t pregnant. So, to assume that someone wasn’t attached or invested in their pregnancy is just blatant ignorance. Instead try, “I’m sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do to help you?”
8. “You need to stop stressing, that is probably what killed it.”
This comment had me lying awake at night stressing about how I can stop stressing so that I could maybe not hurt another child. I internalized this comment and used it as a sword to repeatedly stab myself in the gut. I told myself so many times that I killed my children because I stressed too much. This is, of course, not true. But hearing someone verbalize my worst fear did something to me. My hope is that I can prevent someone from using this as a comfort phrase and prevent another grieving mother from going through what I went through. Instead try, “I am sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do to help?”
7. “Everything happens for a reason / It wasn’t meant to be.”
This is such a silence filler. It is something that people say to fill the void when they can’t think of anything else. I’m guilty of using it, you are too. So don’t feel as though I’m singling anyone out. We have all said this to someone to comfort them. At times, maybe it could be appropriate. I don’t know when it would be but I can tell you that it is absolutely not appropriate when speaking with a mother who has lost a child. I wish one person could tell me what exactly that reason is. I am a Christian, I know that God has a plan for my life. As much as I can understand that, I cannot sit here and say that I understand this part of His plan. So don’t patronize me as if I don’t know that He knows every hair on my head and that He knows every step I will take. I fucking know that. Instead try “I am sorry for your loss, is there anything that I can do to help you?”
6. “Just try again.”
Would you say this to anyone else that has lost a loved one? Think about it. If my mother or father had died, would you say to me, “Just go get another one...”? I really just wanted to punch the person who said this to me. I had only one person say this to me and I am so glad it was only one because honestly, I could not handle it as graciously the second time. It is not as simple as just trying again. You have this immense guilt that a new child will replace the one you lost. You never got the chance to hold the child, to watch them grow, to see their first steps, first word, first anything. So to have another child and to see all of those firsts, it reminds you of all the ones you never got. Then, there is always the limitations of your body. There is not an OBGYN on earth that would advise you to try immediately after a miscarriage. So you are disregarding my feelings and my loss while also going directly against a Doctor’s orders, congratulations. Just throw this comment in the fucking trash. Instead try “I’m sorry for your loss, is there anything that I can do for you?”
5. “It’s for the best, you can focus on your career.”
I just can’t, for the life of me, understand why people feel that you cannot be a parent AND have a career. It’s bad enough that you are telling someone that their child’s death is FOR THE BEST. You are also, in the same sentence saying that their focus should be their career. I think personally, career and home life will never be equal and if there is ever a situation where a person must pick one, then home life should always trump career. You can always find another piece of shit job but you cannot replace your family. So, choose family, always. Now, please understand, I am in full support of people, especially women, who thrive in their career. Just remember that you cannot help someone in grief by telling them to focus on work because 1. Career cannot replace family and 2. Career is not everything. It doesn’t help, it won’t ever help. Instead try, “I’m sorry for your loss, is there anything that I can do to help?
4. “Women have miscarriages all the time.”
Oh really? I didn’t fucking know that 1 in 4 reported pregnancies end in miscarriage and that the statistics on this are always shorthanded because most women do not even know that they are pregnant because the loss is so early. I know that women go through this all the time. That does not make it even remotely easier to go through! I mean, if you total your car, do you just say oh well car accidents happen all the time? NO! You call your insurance company and you worry. You worry about getting to work and school and to run errands and the rental and the contents of the vehicle and the well-being of yourself and the others who were in the car. It does not matter how common something is, the shock of death is never going to get dulled. Instead of saying this, try, “I’m sorry for your loss, is there anything that I can do for you?”
3. “At least she/he/it didn’t suffer.”
Is this in your medical opinion? Do you know, for a fact, that my child did not feel any pain whatsoever? Are you a neonatologist specializing in neuroreceptors in utero? I would bet money that you are not. So no, you do not know that my child didn’t suffer. So, when you say this, you take me back to a place where I think about if they were, in fact, in pain and if I caused it. My body betrayed me and it disposed of my child and I do not know if my child suffered and every single time that someone says this, I consider that my child may have felt pain. You do not know if this is true and it does not make me feel better. So, just don’t. Instead try, '“I am sorry for your loss, is there anything that I can do to help?”
2. “Did you find out what is wrong with you?”
This here made me lose my shit….twice. I do not know why anyone would think that this would be an appropriate comment to someone who has just experienced a miscarriage. There could be nothing wrong. Death is a natural part of life. It is such a common thing, such a natural thing. If I have not expressly said to you that I have a medical condition that prevents me from having children-which obviously I do not- do not come at me with this shit. Don’t you think that I have wondered long enough and hard enough if there is something wrong with me? This is not a simple inquiry. This is a derogatory, back handed insult. This is hate disguised as curiosity and anyone who asks this is one of those people that you should keep close, because they are your fucking enemy. Instead of saying this, try, “I am sorry for your loss, is there anything that I can do?”
1. “Be thankful for what you have.”
Here it is. The most hurtful, demeaning, devaluing, vicious, piss-poor excuse of a comfort phrase. How can my grief translate to me not being thankful for what I already have? I am grateful that I was chosen to open my fucking eyes this morning. I am grateful that I can see and hear and walk and that I exist. I am so very thankful for the life I have. This does not mean that I cannot grieve what I have lost. Look, if you see from the outside that I am so blessed and you feel that I don’t deserve to feel anything but happiness and thankfulness, then maybe we just shouldn’t be speaking to me in the first place. Maybe, this comment will expose you for the hateful person you are and I can weed you out of my personal life, while keeping you just close enough to watch. I have never in all my life known true hurt until someone said this to me. It touched me at a level that I didn’t even know existed inside me. Before you allow this vile trash to leave your mouth, think about it. Think about what you are saying. Because i guarantee you that these women are extremely thankful for everything that they have and they already feel terrible. You have no right to make them think that their feelings are invalid. Do not say this- ever. Instead try, “I’M SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. IS THERE ANYTHING THAT I CAN DO TO HELP?”
I’ve thought long and hard about this list. There are so many more things that were said to me that I felt were wholly disrespectful but these ten things really got under my skin. I want you know that if you have ever said these things to me or anyone else, this is not intended to make you feel bad about it. What is done is done and you can’t take it back. So, just do better. This person has confided in you and allowed you into their deepest, most personal life. When you get this opportunity, take it and make the world a better place. Show them love and grace and let them know that you will be there for them.-
Krystalyn
